So You Wanna Be a Mad Scientist?

Thank you for your application to the Mad Scientist’s Guild. While we are always excited to hear about new members who want to join our ranks, we feel there are a few things you should know about being a mad scientist before you join up. In addition to being insane, and a scientist, there are the matters of appearance, proper lab gear, menacing goals, and, of course, ethical considerations.

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In the past, mad scientists have got a lot of bad publicity from experimenting on animals. Dr. Moreau was an especially poor example of this. Of course, he made the unfortunate mistake of allowing strangers onto his island, and then letting them escape with word of his experiments, but once those got out it was nothing but campaigning to end the cruel experiments of the mad scientists. The public relations department was swamped for months with protest calls, and eventually we had to put out a general notice saying the the MSG did not approve of animal experimentation, did not steal people’s pets for dark purposes, and that anyone who did was a rogue and not a member of this estimated establishment.

mad-scientistThese are the sorts of things you have to deal with, you see, if you choose to become a member of this establishment.

Of course there are advantages as well. Being a member of the guild gives to access to all of the guild records, and the monthly support meeting to exchange tricks of the trade. It earns you the respect of your peers, and an automatic clout amongst the norms who will fear you for the reputation of the Guild rather than your own.

If you do decide to accept membership, another guild member will be sent to inspect your lair. There are certain safety standards that much be upheld in order to prevent unfortunate accidents. Too many distinguished mad scientists have come to an untimely end because they failed to use safety goggles, wear gloves, or made the unfortunate decision to experiment on themselves. Self-experimentation is absolutely forbidden under guild policy. That’s what you have minions for.

madscientistOf course, the inspection will also verify that you are, in fact, a mad scientist. Your resume is impressive, but anyone can fake a resume. The proof is in the number of test tubes full of dangerous substances you have lying around, as well as assorted doomsday devices in various states of construction, large framed portraits of yourself, a suitable supply of lab coats in your signature color (we recommend red or black, although many mad scientists have preferred to go with the traditional white, despite the connotations of innocence the color carries with it), a sufficiently impressive means of transportation (a rocket car, or flying skateboard is always a good option) and at least one diagram for a time machine. We understand that time machines are difficult to construct and dangerous to operate, and we do not expect all mad scientists to be time travellers, but a good diagram will convince us that you’ve at least considered the idea–something only a mad scientists would do.

mad-scientist21Before we finally accept your application, we would also like to hear a little more about your goals. In your application you simply stated “Take over the world” but that is a vague, nebulous plan. Do you have steps towards achieving this goal? What are your short term goals? And most importantly, what do you plan to do with the world once you take it over? Far too many mad scientists have achieved their goals, only to fall short when it comes to actually ruling the world. They didn’t think they would ever make it that far, you see. This kind of sloppy planning is not permitted by the Mad Scientists Guild. The next time some insane genius achieves global domination, we will have been by their side the entire time, making sure it was done correctly. You have many options for the world once you do take it over–you can turn everyone into androids, or clones, or force them to all dye their hair bright pink–the choice is yours. All we ask is that you have a clear, concrete plan, so that when the moment comes you aren’t defeated by the insidious monster of indecision.

Thank you again for contacting the Guild of Mad Scientists. We look forward to hearing your decision and setting up an inspection at a convenient time for you. We do posses a working time machine, so if a past date would be best that can be managed. All the best in your Mad Schemes.

Doctor Schnitzelmeister, chairman of the MSG.


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